


Noise Complaint

by ayyy_lmao



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (i love how there's a tag for that lmao), Everyone Is Gay, KuroKen - Freeform, M/M, Poor Kags, iwa has no idea what he's signing up for, iwaoi - Freeform, matsuhana - Freeform, meme team - Freeform, oikawa likes aliens, poor iwa, they just need s l e e p, they're just proud parents ok, those are the main ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:50:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7596913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayyy_lmao/pseuds/ayyy_lmao
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi groaned internally. He clearly had had no idea what he was signing up for when he was recently hired as an apartment complex landlord’s assistant (ironically, in order to pay his own rent). Piles upon piles of paperwork, in addition to a full university course load, was barely manageable even with the assistance of a steady stream of the shitty free coffee served in the lobby. But becoming the literal human speed bump to the clearly rapidly accelerating love life of people he’d probably never had a real conversation with was beyond even the powers of a triple espresso.</p>
<p>Where was the actual landlord when Iwaizumi needed her?</p>
<p>(Alternative Title: rip iwaizumeme hajimeme)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Noise Complaint

A timid knock at the office door startled Iwaizumi awake. His head shot up from its resting place on the seemingly never ending stack of papers piled on his desk to see a young man standing in the doorway. _How long was I asleep for?_ Iwaizumi wondered. It seemed that even the powers of caffeine had to succumb at some point after the 26th consecutive hour of consciousness.

The guy cleared his throat. He seemed to be only a bit younger than Iwaizumi himself, and from the dark circles under his eyes that mirrored Iwaizumi’s own, appeared to be extremely tired. “Um, excuse me,” he paused to read the little nametag sitting on Iwaizumi’s desk. “Iwaizumi-san?”

“Yes?”

“My name is Kageyama. Kageyama Tobio. Could I, er, speak with you about something for a moment?”

“Looks like you already are,” Iwaizumi grumbled, still not quite fully conscious. Kageyama’s eyes widened, and Iwaizumi realized how rude that must have sounded. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Would you like to sit down, Kageyama-kun?”

Kageyama nodded his thanks, slipping into the seat in front of Iwaizumi’s desk. Prompted by Iwaizumi’s raised eyebrow, he began, “Well, over the past week, I have been hearing, er, painfully loud, erm, _sounds_ from my neighbours’ apartment. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for 4 days and I’m getting desperate. Can you _please_ do something? Have a word with them? I am sorry if this is an inconvenience, Iwaizumi-san, but the situation has gotten out of hand.”

“When you say ‘sounds’, do you mean…?”

Kageyama nodded, grimacing.

Iwaizumi groaned internally. He clearly had had no idea what he was signing up for when he was recently hired as an apartment complex landlord’s assistant (ironically, in order to pay his own rent). Piles upon piles of paperwork, in addition to a full university course load, was barely manageable even with the assistance of a steady stream of the shitty free coffee served in the lobby. But becoming the literal human speed bump to the clearly _rapidly_ accelerating love life of people he’d probably never had a real conversation with was beyond even the powers of a triple espresso. _Where was the actual landlord when Iwaizumi needed her?_

_Still,_ Iwaizumi sighed, glancing from the Everest of paper on his desk to Kageyama’s dark eye bags. “One of us should get some sleep, and it’s clearly not going to be me,” he gestured to the numerous forms and reports in front of him. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Kageyama exhaled in what could only be described as pure relief. “I can’t thank you enough, Iwaizumi-san.”

Iwaizumi nodded, finding himself unable to tell if it was in acknowledgement or simply complete and utter defeat. “What apartment are these neighbours in?”

“401. Thanks again.” Kageyama stood up and left the room quietly.

“Better get this over with,” Iwaizumi grumbled unhappily, concluding, after staring at some invoice or other for a solid 3 minutes, that he’d never get any work done with this hanging over his head.

Looking through the building directory, he discovered that apartment number 401 belonged to an Oikawa Tooru and a Kuroo Tetsurou. He couldn’t decide whether it would be more or less awkward if he’d ever had a conversation with either of these people before. At least he could confirm that he’d seen Kuroo around the university before, so he knew at least he was not a grouchy middle aged man. As for Oikawa, he had absolutely no clue. _Fantastic._

Iwaizumi paused to text the Skype group chat he had with his two roommates and, although he’d rather be run over by seventeen trucks than admit it to their stupid faces, best friends, Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

[7:24 pm]

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** Guys, you’re invited to my funeral.

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** Please prepare a eulogy ASAP.

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** iwaizumi what the fuck

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** bro u good

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** Apparently the many duties of an assistant landlord extend to dealing with…noise complaints -_-

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** as in… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?????

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** …affirmative.

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** o shit

**_iwaizumeme fan club member #2_ ** _has renamed this chat “rip iwaizumeme hajimeme”_

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** (waddup)

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** (mattsun this is srs. iwaizumeme is dying)

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** (sorry makki i couldnt resist)

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** ANYWAY iwaizumi wat r u gonna do

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** I guess I’ll have to go talk to them…

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** good luck my broiest of bros

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** may the odds b evr in ur favour

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** may the fourth be with u

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** YOU IDIOT

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** ITS FUCKING NOVEMBER FUCKING 17TH

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** U HAV DISGRACED THE FACE OF MEMES EVRYWHERE

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** omg

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** if u disgrace someone face i guess ud be

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** disfacing

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** it

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** omg sick pun bro

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** -_- this was a mistake.

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** noooo iwaizumeme dont leeeaaave

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** u meme the world 2 me!!!!!!!!

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** Ok I’m going to go talk to them.

**Iwaizumi Hajime:** If I don’t text in 15 min prepare the casket

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** omg so morbid iwaizumeme

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** kinky

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** MAKKI DO U HAVE A DEATH KINK

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** u wanna find out ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(Iwaizumi had the good sense to put his phone on silent as he made the excruciating journey up the stairs to the fourth floor.)

***

“ _LICK MY ASS, KUROO!”_

Turning the corner into the hallway leading to the notorious Apartment Number 401, Iwaizumi was met with the sight of a tall brown-haired guy with a large duffel bag slamming the door of the room nearest to the former. A question of whether it was the man’s actual body or the sheer force of his scream that caused said door to nearly fall off its hinges briefly passed through Iwaizumi’s startled (semi-) consciousness.

Once Iwaizumi got over his initial shock at the vividly colourful quality of that scream, he glanced at the recently slammed door, which, to no surprise, was numbered “401”. _So this must be Oikawa Tooru,_ Iwaizumi thought, and could not stop himself from muttering, “I’m sure he has.”

The man Iwaizumi presumed to be Oikawa whipped around, screeching “ _WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!”_ at an equal volume to his first declaration.

Iwaizumi paled, eyes widening in shock at what he had said. _You need more sleep,_ half of his brain reminded him. The other half reminded the first half to _kindly shut the fuck up._ “Oh shit,” he apologized in a rush. “I am so sorry. Can we start over? I’m Iwaizumi Hajime, the assistant landlord for this place.”

The brunet seemed to have regained his inside voice. “Oikawa Tooru. Excuse the hair; I can assure you it is normally flawless. Nice to meet you, Iwaizumi-kun.” He had a lilting voice, perfectly windswept hair (that was _already_ flawless— _what was he talking about?)_ and a wide, dazzling, plastic smile.

He irritated Iwaizumi immediately.

“Listen Oikawa, I—“

“’Iwaizumi’…it’s too long,” Oikawa cut Iwaizumi off as he pulled out a compact mirror and began shifting specific strands of hair by miniscule proportions.

“What the hell?” Iwaizumi demanded, confused and beyond unwilling to put up with any form of bullshit after now twenty-seven consecutive hours of consciousness.

Banshee-Vocal-Chords-Oikawa made its reappearance, this time accentuated by the snap of the lid of the compact mirror. “ _’IWA CHAN!’ THAT’S PERFECT!”_

Iwaizumi cringed in honor of his eardrums. At this point he could estimate he was 10% water, 15% coffee and 75% fury. “You can’t just call me that!”

“Why not, Iwa-chan~?” Oikawa sing-songed.

Iwaizumi exhaled.  “Oikawa, we need to talk—“

“Looks like we already are, Iwa-chan~”

“Shut up and let me speak, Trashykawa!” The insult was out of his mouth before he could clamp his jaws shut to prevent the List of Really Bad Things Iwaizumi Should Never Say Unless He Has an Immediate Desire To Get Fired from growing. He closed his eyes, hoping to be consumed by the earth.

But Oikawa, for some reason, was smiling, a real, genuine smile that stretched across his face and lit up his chocolate eyes and made Iwaizumi think that if he didn’t say this smile was beautiful he would be lying to himself. “Make me, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa responded, a mischievous glint appearing in his eye. If Iwaizumi didn’t know that Oikawa had an _avid_ love life, he would think the man was flirting with him.

(Iwaizumi felt incredibly betrayed by the part of him that hoped that Kageyama had an exceptionally bad sense of hearing or direction, and that the “noise” part of the noise complaint was not coming from Oikawa’s room.)

“Oikawa. I understand this may be an awkward, er, topic to address…” Iwaizumi trailed off uncertainly, really having no idea where to begin.

“Shoot, Iwa-chan,” said Oikawa.

“Well, er, this morning, your neighbour, Kageyama-kun approached m—“

“What did Tobio-chan do now?” _Tobio-chan?_

“Well, he told me that he’s been hearing rather loud, erm, _noises…”_

Iwaizumi could tell that Oikawa was not expecting this; he seemed to oddly resemble a startled raccoon. “When you say noises, you do mean…?”

Iwaizumi sighed. He had an odd sense of déjà vu as he nodded resignedly.

“Ugh, the _noises!”_ Oikawa groaned.

“What?” Iwaizumi was now the one able to relate to startled raccoons everywhere. What could Oikawa possibly mean? Did Iwaizumi even want to know? He realized he hadn’t gotten to his main point yet. “Anyway, Kageyama has been continuously disturbed, as he said this has been happening every night for—“

“Oh, _every night!_ ” moaned Oikawa. He ran his fingers through his hair as he paced back and forth, the very image of extreme distress.

Iwaizumi struggled to force the last part of his impromptu speech out. If the conversation until then was awkward, his next request would be the middle school dance of awkward. “So Oikawa, I am sorry I have to ask this of you, but could you _please,_ for the sake of my dignity and your neighbour’s sleeping patterns, lower the volume levels when you and your partner Kuroo—“

Iwaizumi was cut off by a shriek of laughter, and then Oikawa was doubled over, exploding in peals of the best hyena impression Iwaizumi had ever seen. This was nowhere near any of the many scenarios of possible reactions Iwaizumi had been preparing himself to face (all of which involved slow and painful death). Once Oikawa had partially regained his composure, still bursting into small giggle fits every few seconds, he thrust his duffel bag at Iwaizumi and asked, “Iwa-chan, tell me why on earth I would be storming out of my apartment with an overnight bag, if my roommate was my partner.”

“Oh. _Oh.”_ Iwaizumi was stunned. _He had been so_ stupid _to just_ assume _—and why was he so_ relieved _?_

“I too have been suffering from sleep deprivation ever since my dumbass roommate decided to suck it up and ask out his childhood friend, who he’s been pining over for literal years,” Oikawa said.

“Oh my god, Oikawa, I am so, so, sorry,” Iwaizumi apologized, quite traumatized at this point.

Oikawa waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t mind, Iwa-chan! You’re actually helping me so much. You see, usually when Kuroo brings Kenma over I just lock myself in my room with my favourite pair of headphones, but this time they were so loud that I decided to scream some ‘ _Fuck, Kenmaaaa’_ s of my own…”

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. “Not a good idea?”

“My beautiful face was nearly decapitated by a flying dildo, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa whined in despair.

And now it was Iwaizumi’s turn to burst out laughing, causing an enormous pout to appear on the apparent man-child’s face, sending Iwaizumi into a new fit of hysterics. “ _Rude_ , Iwa-chan! There is absolutely nothing funny about my current predicament! I have been nearly beheaded by a piece of plastic that has most likely been up Kuroo’s disgusting asshole, kicked out of my half of my apartment, had a grumpy old man accuse me of fucking said gross roommate, and now I have to go all the way up 5 floors to Owl Face’s room, and the elevator probably doesn’t even work!”

Iwaizumi grimaced, “Hate to break it to you, but the elevator is in fact not working—sorry.” _Wait—why was he apologizing? Oikawa was just being dramatic as usual._ But the overarching question that Iwaizumi was trying desperately to avoid was _why did he care at all?_

“ _Tragedy,_ Iwa-chan!” Oikawa wailed. “My _entire life_ is a—“

“Shut up, Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi flicked his shoulder for good measure.

“Iwa-chan is so mean!” There it was again. That _stupid_ pout.

The words were out of Iwaizumi’s mouth before they were even formed clearly in his head. (Or maybe they were there all along.) “Listen, Oikawa, I’m really sorry I bothered you with this whole noise complaint thing. I’ll talk to Kuroo at another time, when he’s not, um, busy.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, “If I haven’t disturbed you enough, can I buy you a coffee? Just to, well, make up for probably seeming like an asshole…” he trailed off nervously, not even sure what made him nervous. _It’s not like he wanted to talk to Oikawa more than his job forced him to—did he? God, he was such a wreck._

Oikawa’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly, then his face broke out into the brightest grin Iwaizumi had ever seen—and he had been in the presence of both Hanamaki and Matsukawa when they first became aware of a unicycle-riding amphibian called “that boy” (it continued to puzzle Iwaizumi to this day). “Of course, Iwa-chan! That would be lovely~”

“Stop smiling like that—you look like an idiot.” (Really, you couldn’t blame a guy for trying to save himself from being sunburned.)

“Iwa-chan is such a big meanie! I bet he doesn’t even believe in aliens.”

“What the hell? Of course I don’t, dumbass.”

“Then I am _not_ going!”

“Convince me that they exist and I’ll buy you milk bread.”

“ _Alright_ Iwa-chan—only if you _insist—ouch! What was that for you big brute?!”_

“Hurry up, Asskawa.”

(Needless to say, Oikawa got his milk bread in the end.)

***

[9:20 pm]

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** 9:20 blaze it

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** amirite ladies

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** makki what the fuck u can’t blaze it at every 20

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** r00d @mattsun

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** o shIT

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** waddup

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** MAKKI ITS BEEN MORE THAN 1 HOUR

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** IWAIZUMEME IS DED

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** actually mattsun i have a story 4 u

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** mattsun wtf ur eyebrows literally radiate apathy

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** ANYWAY AS I WAS SAYING

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** I JUST STROLLED BY THE NEARBY COFFEE SHOP AND GUESS WHO I SAW

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** OUR DEAR SON IWAIZUMEME HAJIMEME

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** WITH A GUY

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** and they were sitting really close

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** like /really/ close

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** omg like ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) close?????

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) CLOSE MATTSUN

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** OUR SON IM SO PROUD

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** I KNOW RIGHT

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** wait mattsun

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** yes dear

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** if our son is dating

**iwaizumeme fan club member #1:** shouldn’t we parents date too?

**iwaizumeme fan club member #2:** MAKKI DID YOU JUST ASK ME OUT

 

(The End.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> hhahaha lmao let me know what you think!
> 
> (i'm not even joking the entire premise of this fic was my random stupid thought that oikawa screaming "LICK MY ASS KUROO!" would be the funniest thing on the planet.)
> 
> also i am so sorry i haven't updated my chaptered fic (the alliance of pretty wingmen) in sO LONG! i promise i will get on that :)


End file.
